


If Your Heart is Torn, I Don’t Wonder Why

by indigowild



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Complete, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lullabies, Nightmares, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:09:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3611238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indigowild/pseuds/indigowild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finally finished!  Chapters 3 and 4 are new.</p><p>This happens after they finish their stake out in "Limited Bar Selection, Pleasant Company."</p><p>title from Leonard Cohen's "Lullaby"  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leonardcohen/lullaby.html</p><p>Daniel soothes Peggy with a lullaby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Marvel owns everything, I own my brain.
> 
> All done, finally!!!
> 
> I love all feedback and comments. Thanks!

Cutting through the artificial stillness of the hospital room, the steady ticking of the wall clock was oddly reassuring to Daniel. _still here, still alive, still here, still alive, still here, still alive._ He shifted in the bedside chair, propping his bad leg more comfortably on the other chair he had pulled up in front of him. 

_8:32 p.m._ Hard to believe it had been over twelve hours since the explosion. Fragmented moments from the morning kept flashing through his mind. Peggy spotting the detonation device just as she opened the front door of the old farmhouse. Her warning shout of “Daniel!” as she turned to run. The wall around the door frame bursting outward, hitting Peggy and sending her flat on the porch. Dropping his gun and attempting to rush to the house from where he’d been covering her from the yard. Peggy starting to get up on all fours, and then the porch roof collapsing. The thick oak beam falling and crashing into the side of her head. Digging through the rubble frantically, shoving the beam off of her. The blood. The large shard of wood embedded in the back of her thigh and him pulling it out. Ripping off strips of his undershirt to use as temporary bandages. Him tugging her limp body onto his lap, holding her tightly with one arm, and using his legs and other arm to scoot them off the porch and across the lawn to the car. The gas and clutch pedals awkward under his left leg as he drove jerkily through the countryside, trying to get to town, trying to get to a phone. 

A soft rustling from the bed next to him drew Daniel out of his thoughts. He sat up quickly but Peggy’s eyes were still closed, the only change being her hand sliding off her thigh to the bed. She had woken up briefly for the doctors in the late afternoon, swimming up from under the pain killers just long enough for them to be able to reassure Daniel that her head injury was not quite as severe as they had feared. They warned him that she was likely to spend most of the next few days sleeping due to her brain healing and the medication keeping her groggy, offering him the use of a patient room down the hall so he could shower and sleep. He had turned them down for now, unwilling to leave her alone even though he knew she was safe inside the military base hospital that Jack had directed him to. He wasn’t sure if it was guilt, protectiveness, or worry that kept him glued to his chair, but in any case he was staying put.

Daniel allowed himself to study Peggy for a few minutes. Without her trademark lipstick and perfectly styled hair, she looked much younger and softer. Her face was quite pale against the hospital sheets, the only color coming from the cuts and bruises spreading across it. Gauze bandages on her left temple and the scalp above her ear covered several sets of stitches, and both her arms bore similar dressings. Daniel knew that the doctors had had to remove numerous shards of wood from her back and legs in addition to the large one that he had taken out. Thankfully, the pain medication seemed to be doing its job because her face was smooth and peaceful. Daniel couldn’t remember ever seeing Peggy so still, and it was almost unnerving.  He resisted the urge to press his fingers to her wrist to feel her pulse and contented himself with closing his eyes, focusing on her steady breaths…and drifting off, as the exhaustion finally hit him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“No!” Daniel startled awake and dazedly thought that the heart-broken cry had been his own. It took him a few moments to realize the sounds of rapid breathing and sobbing were actually coming from Peggy. He scrambled to his feet as quickly as he could, grabbing her hand. Peggy’s eyes were still closed, but a look of anguish covered her face as she shook her head from side to side, tears spilling out from under her eyelids. “Juniper! No!”

Daniel’s gut clenched as he recognized the all too familiar signs of a trauma induced nightmare. Peggy had seen Junior Juniper killed by a little Russian girl just a few months ago, and he knew she held herself responsible.

“Peggy, Peg! It’s all right. Wake up. It’s Daniel, Peg, you’re okay, you just gotta wake up.” His soothing words didn’t seem to be able to cut through her panic though, and she began to tremble. 

“My God, Colleen! No! I’m so sorry, Colleen, I’m so sorry…”

Daniel remembered experiencing similarly horrible awakenings from sedation and pain medication himself. Grasping her shoulder, Daniel shook her gently, the thumb of his other hand drawing soothing circles on the top of hers. “Peggy, you’re having a bad dream, please wake up.”

Suddenly, she sat bolt upright. “Chief…I swear, I will get the man who did this. It was me they wanted, not you.” Peggy’s voice choked up, and her left hand moved frantically, searching for something.

Daniel sat down awkwardly on the side of the bed and caught hold of her flailing arm. He brought her forearms together near her chest, encompassing both her hands with his. “Peg, you need to wake up now. You can make your dream stop. _Agent Carter, tell it to stop.”_

Peggy stilled at his sudden change in tone. Her eyes flew open, the pain in them making his heart twist. “Daniel?” His name tumbled out between shaking breaths, both a question and a plea. Wordlessly he drew her into his arms, her body slumping against him like a puppet with its strings cut. Gentle hands stroked her back and hair carefully, smoothing out the tremors. Clenching his shirt front tightly, Peggy pressed her head against his chest, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat guiding her back to the present.  

 


	3. Chapter 3

“I was back in Russia, in that orphanage. I saw Junior get shot, but when I went to help him he turned into Colleen. I didn’t want to leave her body there, so I was trying to carry her out, but Dooley was blocking the door. His vest start beeping faster, and he grabbed my gun. But this time, instead of the windows….he shot himself. I couldn’t stop him.” Peggy spoke into Daniel’s shirt, her voice muffled but breaking. His arms tightened around her. After a few minutes he spoke.

“I’m sorry, Peg. I still get them too. Mine are usually about the men in my troop, right when we get ambushed.” Daniel knew there was little else he could say. She let go of his shirt front and slid her arms around him, her grasp surprisingly strong considering the state she was in. They sat there quietly, silent hot tears soaking through to his chest. As her breathing slowed and steadied, Daniel briefly allowed himself to simply enjoy the feel of her body in his arms. Resisting the urge to press a gentle kiss on the top of her head, he reluctantly pulled back to look at her face. 

“How are you feeling? With that concussion, we probably shouldn’t have you sitting up this long.”

Peggy frowned as he helped ease her back down onto the pillows. Her hand flew up to the dressing on the side of her head, prodding it gingerly and wincing. 

“Well, that would explain my pounding headache and dizziness. I remember the door exploding and falling down, but I thought I got up after that.” 

“The porch roof collapsed and one of the beams hit you just as you were standing up. Thompson and the guys went out there, and they said it looked like the roof had been deliberately weakened. No signs of Dottie or any other recent inhabitants, by the way. If it was Leviathan, they set it up a while back. They are going to keep looking through the place, though.”

She let out a frustrated sounding sigh and then glanced at the cuts and abrasions on his forearms and hands. “So, then you dug me out and got me down to the yard somehow. I have a vague memory of being in your lap and feeling like we were moving. Am I correct in assuming that you came up with a clever way to drive the car and get us to wherever here is?”

Daniel snorted. “I wouldn’t call it clever, just desperate. Used my left foot—if you hadn’t already had a concussion, my driving would have given you one. While I think it would be a good idea for me to practice that more in case of emergencies in the field, I’m going to stick to cabs for day to day stuff. Anyway, here is Carlisle Barracks. I stopped at the nearest phone to the farmhouse, and Jack called Carlisle up and pulled in a few favors. He figured it’d be safer for you here in case Dottie is tracking you. Plus they probably have a lot more experience picking a ton of shards out of people than your average local hospital.”

Peggy raised a questioning eyebrow, so he went on. “You had pretty big chunk of the door in the back of your left leg and a lot of smaller pieces in your back and arms. Bruising all over from the beam and the roof debris. Stitches on the side of your head and near your forehead. But nothing broken, and no major arteries or veins nicked by the wood. The doctors said it will take you a few weeks to recover from the concussion. You thirsty? They said you could have a little bit of water when you woke up as long as you can keep it down.”

She started to nod, then grimaced. Daniel grabbed a cup of water from the bedside table as she slowly propped herself up on her elbows. Thankful that the nurse had thought to put a straw in it, he held the cup up for Peggy while she took a few small sips. 

“Do you think it would be alright if I were to lie on my side instead? I think I’d be much more comfortable if all these cuts weren’t pressing down into the bed.” He stood, replacing the cup, and offered Peggy his arm to help her pull and twist herself so she was facing his chair. She sank back onto the pillow, closing her eyes briefly. Hurting and tired, if he had to guess, not that she would say anything.

“You should sit, Daniel. I can only imagine how achy you are by this point of the day.” 

“It’s not that bad actually. Been sitting here with the leg up for the last few hours watchi…um…keeping an eye on you.” Coughing to try to cover his slip up, he noticed a small smirk on Peggy’s face. Ears flushing, he pulled his chairs right up to the bedside and made himself comfortable. Her brown eyes were level with his now, peering out from behind drooping eyelids through the bars on the side of the bed.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the lullaby I have Daniel singing:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a__lr0Yqww
> 
> The entire story grew out of the idea of Daniel singing a lullaby to Peg to soothe her back to sleep after a nightmare.

“You need to get some more sleep, Peg. Gotta let your brain heal. Otherwise you’ll be in the hospital for weeks. You can _not_ leave me alone with Jack for that long. I’ll be stuck in the filing room the whole time.” Daniel started to chuckle until he noticed Peggy’s eyes fly open and panic spread across her face. “What? You okay?”

Speaking through gritted teeth, Peggy’s voice rang out harshly in the silence of the room. “I am NOT going back to sleep. I’m fine, thank you. 

He studied her face, surprised at her vehemence. Peg might be stubborn about not showing pain, but there was no way she wasn’t still exhausted at this point. Her jaw clenched, and he noticed she wasn’t meeting his gaze. Suddenly, a thought struck him.

“It’s the dream, isn’t it?” A small tense nod. “This isn’t the first time you’ve had them, is it?” The barest of a shake. “What do you normally do to go back to sleep when they’ve happened before?  


Peggy let out a small sigh and seemed to slump in upon herself. “I usually get up, make a cup of tea, and go over case files until I fall back asleep….or my alarm goes off. None of which are exactly options at this moment. I refuse to let them give me anything to make me sleep because that only makes them worse. And you?”

“I put a record on real low and stretch out on the couch. Usually works pretty well for me. But as you said, not exactly an option at this moment.” Daniel glanced around the room, trying to think of some alternatives. What had he done after his surgeries? A memory slid into place.

“I started getting nightmares right away while I was still in the field hospital. Anesthesia seemed to make them worse. They were pretty low on supplies at that point, so they were rationing all the medications, trying to save them for the guys who were the worst off. I think it was my third night there that I just lost it. I was dreaming, and I kept seeing all the guys going down around me, my friend Harvey screaming when the bullet went into his chest. I saw the other guy raise his gun again, aiming for Harv’s head, so I threw myself in front of him. This time though, the guy just walked up to me, put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. I woke up screaming, trying to get out of the bed. Some of the nurses and orderlies came rushing over, because they didn’t want me to wake up everyone else. They kept trying to calm me down, but nothing was working. There was this one nurse though, a bit older than the others. She was doing some paperwork nearby, and I guess she heard them saying my last name. All of a sudden she was next to my bed, getting up in my face. ‘Sousa, huh? _Acalme-se!’_ It was like a switch in my head flipped off. She shooed the rest of them away, grabbed my hand, and sat down next to my bed. ‘Now, enough of that. Everybody here needs their sleep. You just be a good boy and close your eyes.’ ” 

Daniel paused and smiled wistfully. “Then she started singing, real quiet. And I knew the song, I knew it! It was this old Portuguese lullaby my mother used to sing to me all time, about João Pestana, the sandman. Turns out the nurse’s grandfather was Portuguese and taught it to her when she was a little girl. Anyway, it was like, well, like everything else around me just faded away—men groaning and the jeeps outside and the smell of blood and my leg hurting. Just me and her voice and this feeling of warmth spreading all over me. Next thing I knew, it was morning.”  

He looked at Peggy, pale faced with dark circles forming under her eyes. Just do it, his brain told him, what’s the worst that could happen? Daniel tilted his head inquiringly and extended his hand through the rails. Holding his breath, he waited.

After a moment, she gave him a tired smile and slowly placed her hand in his. For a second, Daniel felt his chest tighten. Peggy Carter did not trust in people easily. But there she was, eyes fixed on his, waiting.

He cleared his throat. “Close your eyes, Peg.” She obeyed, but he could see her peeking out between her eyelashes. Self-consciously, he moved his eyes down to their intertwined fingers and began singing. Daniel imagined he was singing his little nephew to sleep and lowered his pitch and volume, smoothing out the notes.

 

_Já lá vem o João Pestana_

_Pé ante pé_

_Voz que não engana_

_Vem de longe_

_Já muito cansado_

_Pobre João coitado_

 

_Faz ó ó menino, também_

_Faz ó ó que o soninho já vem_

 

Daniel risked glancing up at Peggy’s face. She wasn’t even pretending to have her eyes closed any longer but was instead staring at him in a sort of pleased surprise. Emboldened, he let his lips curve up in a smile and kept singing, returning her gaze.

_Cai a noite, e o vento lá fora_

_Assobia forte_

_Não se vai embora_

_Conta histórias, o nunca acabar_

_Coisas de encantar_

Daniel knew every feeling he had for her was showing in his eyes right now, but he honestly couldn’t have stopped himself if he tried at this point. Not when her fingers tightened gently on his and her forehead relaxed. Not with her warm brown eyes looking so peaceful. He saw her try to stifle a yawn, and he nodded at her, giving her permission to close her eyes and rest.

_E o vento, não sopra só_

_Também tráz ao menino ó ó_

_Devagar, muito de mansinho_

_Levando o bebé pegar no soninho_

_Já lá vem o João Pestana_

_Voz que não engana_

_E o João, sabendo o que faz_

_Vê o menino adormecer em paz_  

Daniel kept on singing, all the old childhood songs coming back to him easily. Peggy’s breathing grew even and slowed. Her fingers fluttered momentarily and then became limp against his. And still he sang on. He sang of mothers fighting off the monsters of the night, of the angels that watch over all little ones, and of love.

He let his voice taper off, finishing with words no louder than a whisper. Peggy’s eyelashes lay softly on her cheeks, her lips slightly parted. Daniel watched her for a few minutes, memorizing the line of her jaw and the curve of her ear. Reluctantly he loosened his grasp on her hand, preparing to leave the room so she could sleep undisturbed.

“Stay with me for a little bit…please?” she murmured, eyes still closed, her fingers instinctively seeking out his.

Daniel’s heart thumped loudly. “Always,” he whispered. He settled back in his chair.

****

When the nurse came to check on Peggy an hour later, that was how she found them, both asleep and still holding hands. She suppressed a little laugh as she grabbed a blanket from the shelf and arranged it across Daniel. So this was the fearsome Peggy Carter she had heard all the stories about when she had been stationed overseas. It wasn’t everyday that you got to see the other side of your heroes, the side of them that bled and cried and loved. She smiled fondly and sent them a silent mental blessing, leaving the room quietly and closing the door.

 


End file.
